Dear Sarah:

Dear Sarah: Keep up the great writing!
By CARL HIAASEN
chiaasen@MiamiHerald.com
(Confidential response of Sarah Palin's book editor to the first draft of her upcoming memoir, ``Going Rogue''):
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for turning in the manuscript so quickly. I thought only Stephen King could crank out 400 pages in four months! Seriously, there's some terrific material here, and all of us at Harper Collins are thrilled to be publishing your life story.
Before we move ahead, the fact-checking department has asked me to pass along a few notes and comments that may require some revisions on your part.
1. Eric Clapton spells his last name with a C.
More significantly, his publicists tell us that you were not the inspiration for Layla, and that he doesn't recall ever having an affair with you.
Is it possible you've got him confused with another rock star?
2. The mainland of Russia is indeed visible from parts of western Alaska during favorable weather conditions in the Bering Straits. Considering the ridicule you endured over this issue during the campaign, your desire to set the record straight is understandable.
Still, 78 pages is a big chunk of the book. Perhaps it's possible to deal with the I-can-see-Russia controversy a bit more succinctly.
3. Our researchers can find no evidence that Tina Fey belongs to the Taliban. Could you send us the sourcing for that reference?
4. John McCain's campaign staff is vehemently denying the incident you describe in Chapter 13. Perhaps you could provide our legal department with the names of persons who actually witnessed the senator placing the duct tape over your mouth.
5. Even though you quit with 18 months remaining in your term, your achievements as Alaska's governor will be of great interest to your readers and political supporters.
How about expanding that section of the book to a full chapter?
6. On page 107 of the manuscript, you describe a frisky interlude with Todd as taking place on a John Deere Cyclone 340 snowmobile.
However, that particular model has been out of production for several years. Is it possible that you two were cavorting on a Sprintfire?
7. Our researchers can find no evidence that Katie Couric is secretly financing the Sunni insurgency in Iraq. Could you send us the sourcing for that reference?
8. Although the passage about moose-shooting from helicopters is certainly provocative, perhaps it could be re-polished to focus more on your cooking recipes -- which look very yummy, by the way -- than on the preferred field techniques for skinning and gutting.
9. Our copy editors are still struggling to sort out the many colorful characters in your manuscript. In one chapter the children are called Bristol, Piper, Track, Willow and Trig, yet only 44 pages later they appear as Caribou, Cessna, Herring, Juniper and Scrod.
Maybe you could check with Todd and get back to us on that.
10. ``Mexican'' is not a language. (See manuscript page 188).
11. Our researchers cannot verify that David Letterman is ``heavily involved'' in the opium trade in eastern Afghanistan. Could you provide the sourcing for that reference?
12. The details of your high-school basketball career are inspirational, but would it be possible to condense that section from three chapters to one? Just a thought.
13. John McCain's office says that it was the senator, not you, who came up with the ``two mavericks'' campaign theme. He claims you originally proposed a slogan saying, ``One Creaky Elder Statesman, One Hot Young Maverick -- but don't worry, folks, she knows CPR!''
14. Tony Blair was the prime minister of Great Britain. Tony Orlando is an American pop singer. (See manuscript page 341).
15. Levi Johnston emphatically denies that Mitt Romney paid him to seduce and impregnate your oldest daughter. Furthermore, he claims that you personally offered him $50 to moon Joe Biden during the vice presidential debate.
Our legal department has suggested removing any mention of this young man (including those beer-pong photos) from the manuscript. What do you say?
Finally, on a personal note, I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty reaching the ghost-writer we assigned to this project. After your first meeting, she left me a rather frazzled message saying she ``needed to take a break and do some soul searching.''
We've tracked her to a sweat lodge down in Taos, New Mexico, and I'm pretty confident she'll be back on the ``Going Rogue'' Express in no time.
Meanwhile, keep up the great writing, Sarah. We can't wait to read the finished book!

Self Pity

Right now I hurt to the depths of my being. I took a silly quiz recently that said I was a ghost and it's exactly how I feel....invisible and silent. No one sees me, no one hears me. Am I only good enough when someone needs something?? Must I be the one who always gives but who never gets in return?

What If....

i

you

us

them

those people

wouldn't it be lovely

if one could

live

in a constant state

of we?

some of the most

commonplace

words

can be some of the biggest

dividers

they

what if there was

no they?

what if tehre

was only

us?

if words could be seen

as they floated out

of our mouths

would we feel no

shame

as they passed beyond

our lips?

if we were to string

our words

on a communal clothesline

would we feel proud

as our thoughts

flapped in the

breeze?

~Marilyn Mariel, "clothesline"

The Next American Idol?

I hope so! Adam Lambert Rocks!

I <3 Adam Lambert!

I'm Tired of Working

I am so tired of working at this job. I've been here way too long...almost 30 years! I'm tired of dealing with other peoples' problems, both real and pretend. I'm tired of hearing people complain over every little thing they can think of. I'm tired of pettiness and hatefulness and revenge. I'm tired of women pretending to be super mom just to deny men rights to be parents to their children; I'm tired of men refusing to support their children in order to punish women. I'm tired of people who say they can't work because they got a 1/4" cut on their arm. I want a happy job! But in this economy, where do I find a happy job that allows me to work 4 days a week and earn what I do. Not likely! When will that oil well come in??

Irresponsibility

This morning while getting ready for work I was listening to a story about "Octomom" on the news. It appears that her father has bought her a half-million dollar house...her father who lost one house, filed bankruptcy, and is in the process of losing another house. How is it that he can now buy his daughter a half million dollar house? We couldn't afford a half million dollar house on both our incomes!

And this is for a woman who has 14 kids, no husband, no job, collects welfare, social security disability for 2 kids, food stamps, etc. A woman who is letting the State of California pick up the $1 million plus in medical expenses for the birth of these 14 kids. A woman who sees nothing wrong with collecting welfare because "that's what it's there for." She has set up a website begging for money; she has prostituted her children by selling photos to anyone who will pay for them; she has talked to anyone who will give her a few bucks. She's out getting manicures and pedicures and spending $14 on lip gloss when she has NO job.

So tell me why the State of California is not going after all this money she is earning to reimburse the bankrupt state for the medical expenses? Why aren't they grabbing all this money she has coming in? Why should the hardworking citizens of CA have to continue to support a totally irresponsible woman?

I can only pray that the state does NOT allow her to take those babies home from the hospital. If she doesn't abuse them, she will surely neglect them as well as the 6 older children. There is no way she can adequately provide for the emotional, physical and mental needs of 14 children, 8 of whom are mostly likely going to have special needs. And emotional abuse and neglect is as devastating as physical abuse, just less visible. Oh, that's right...she is going to have nannies! She's already "hired" them and they are highly trained!! WHO IS PAYING FOR THIS!!

I am so totally and completely disgusted by this sad excuse of a mother. Please, State of CA, step in and take those children away from her! She alone will be a line item in the state budget!!

Where, Oh Where, Is Spring?

I can tell I am badly in need of some sunshine and warm weather. This winter has definitely taken a toll on me. I'm always in a funk, always on the verge of tears. I hate my job and have very little patience any more with my clients, my boss, the courts, etc. I honestly can't think of anything that would give me pleasure right now.

I NEED SPRING!! I NEED SUNSHINE!! I NEED WARM WEATHER!!

I'm a Light-Weight Nerd

I'm sure my daughter can beat me!

Why God Made Moms

Answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

Why did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who kows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out when we were getting born.

How did God make Mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are Mothers made of?
1. God makes Mothers our of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. They then mostly used string, I think.

Why did God give you your Mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma said that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only becasue she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. she has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.